my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
