Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
