ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
