If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
