And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
