Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
