I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Randomize
