4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i love accidental penises.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
