Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
