I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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