All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
