i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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