..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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