You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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