God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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