guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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