...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
