Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
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