Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize