Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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