I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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