My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
