Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
