The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
