I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Randomize
