she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Someone signed my nipple.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
