This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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