If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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