i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
