I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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