Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
