Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
