I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
