just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
