Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
