Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Banned from zoo.
Again?
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Randomize
