she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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