Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
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