I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
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