dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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