how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
