i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Randomize
