Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
