How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Hippo gnu deer
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
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