i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
My feet surprised me
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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