Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
