What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
