Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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