She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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