I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
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