Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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