Yo dont text me then not text me
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
