I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
