Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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