i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
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