He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
