I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Randomize
