Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
