pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
