Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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