Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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