the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
