it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
We smell like vodka and hangover
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