jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize