Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
