after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
